Wednesday, 27 November 2013

23 Tips on How to Write a Blog About Writing a Writing Textbook About Writing Writing Textbooks

Welcome to the definitive guide to writing blogs about writing a writing textbook about writing writing textbooks. The following tips are meant as tips, and may be followed in either any or no order, but not both.

Please ensure before writing that you are able to ensure that you can write, or the following tips will not work. And, as ever, remain optimistic! When the worst comes to worst, you can at least rest assured that it's the worst, giving you room to be at your best.

Congratulations and proceed!
1. First, think it through. Then see it through. Once this is done, you will have a result.

2. Get yourself a mentor, but don't let them teach you what you already know. And the things you don't know should be learnt on your own, not through a mentor. However, get one.

3. Do your research. What is a blog? What is a page? What is text? Do they work well as a team? Can you afford to lose any of them?

4. Which brings me to this - most of writing is deleting. If your project a bit exhausting in length, cut back. Why have 600 pages when you can fit what you need to say into two? If your work ends up crumpled up in your bin, you're doing it right.

5. If you want to make money, be sure to make your readership as broad as possible. Don't write for yourself, write for everyone. Make a list of every type of person - from police officers to birdwatchers to very flabby people that sit next to you when you don't want them to - and include a little titbit for each of them.

6. If you're confused, don't sit there second-guessing yourself. Pick up the phone! Studies show that holding a phone can bring comfort to the confused.

7. Just write! Even if you just copy out the label on the back of a bottle of shampoo or hold down the "s" key on the keyboard. The more letters of the alphabet you write, the more of a writer you will become.

8. If you believe, you will triumph. However, before following this advice please make sure your beliefs come true. If your beliefs turn out to be untrue, you will not triumph if you believe. Instead, believe that you won't triumph, and this may have the desired effect (as long as you don't believe it).

9. Person Ronan Keating said it best when he said "you say it best when you say nothing at all". However, when attempting to say something, it is often more effective to say it than to not.

10. Make sure you're working when working on your writing. As you sit at your computer, writing away, pause and ask yourself; "am I working right now?" If the answer is yes, continue. If the answer is no, get to work!

11. Whenever possible, use the word "remarkable". It will make people more able to remark.

12. Whenever possible, increase interest.

13. Aspire to aspire, unless you have no aspirations, in which case aspire to develop some.

14. When your completed project is printed out, it should feel slightly damp to the touch. If it doesn't, it may already be time for a re-write.

15. Use nice thoughts to reward yourself for hard work. If you manage three pages in one day, give yourself a nice thought. If you only manage a sentence, think about burning cats.

16. Don't say it with sentences when you can say it with lolcats.

17. Don't say it with lolcats when you can say it with pictures of otters holding hands.

18. When possible, be breezy. Writing is first and foremost about breeziness.

19. Use social media to socially mediate your project. Ensure thought.

20. This is a cheap and easy trick from Hollywood writers, so use it if you're stuck. Turn the second last word of every paragraph into the word "soliloquy". It will have a VERY surprising effect on your project, and has been known to make publishers and producers sit up and take notice.

21. If you're feeling suffocated by your hard work, go out for a walk in the fresh air and step in something unpleasant. It will give you perspective.

22. You are not - and will not be - what you are not; not what you cannot be.

23. It's not over til it's over. And even then, is it really over? Ask yourself if it's over. If the answer is "yes, it's over", it isn't necessarily over, because you might not know when it's over. Just don't give up. Unless it's over.


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